PANIC DISORDER

FACING FEARS

Crowd phobia.
Or maybe people phobia?

Many people with anxiety face this phobia — but what could really be behind it?
Because the symptoms we experience on the surface are only the tip of the iceberg.

The feelings we live through in the present are manifestations of countless past experiences that we may have long forgotten — yet on a deeper level, all of these continue to resonate as stored information.

As if they were the black box of an airplane.

In the same way, traumatic experiences live on as defining imprints in the layers of our subconscious, greatly influencing our belief system — and thus our own subjective reality.

The mind constantly presents us with proof of these inner convictions, as if holding a mirror up to us.

And if we have a wound somewhere that we refuse to acknowledge, over time it will send louder and louder signals.

The state we label today as panic disorder is not experienced in the same way by anyone. The causes behind it are different for everyone.
Countless experiences, traumas, causes, and effects can lead here.

We may only perceive the final manifestations of these.
In the background, however, there are many layers — and if we start peeling them away and analyzing them one by one, we can get somewhere.

For me, crowd phobia and compulsive confrontation brought perhaps the hardest encounters with myself.

For a long time, I proudly declared:
“I don’t care about other people’s opinions.”

And I often confirmed this to myself and my surroundings with arrogant, condescending behavior.

But after a while, my body started showing me something else. And it never lies.

This is how the soul communicates with us.
In the form of physical sensations.

If you keep repeating something to yourself this much, chances are the exact opposite is resonating deep down.

The brave and strong Dani.
The fearful, weak Dani…
The one who doesn’t care about other people’s opinions.
Or the one whose life is driven by compulsive people-pleasing.

In a way, rollerblading was about this too.
I couldn’t afford to fail — neither in my own eyes nor in anyone else’s.
I had to overcome my limits.
Literally.

another me in 2011

It was easy to believe this after I’d stepped out of my comfort zone for a moment, trembling from the adrenaline.
But at a certain point, I could no longer fool myself — and it took an injury that made those momentary victories impossible.

Over time, I had to realize that all those years of recklessness had been nothing more than compensation for the fear that had always weighed on me deep down.

After I got injured, it only took half a year for it to weave itself into everything around me.

Even after that, my attitude didn’t change much. I saw this state as something I had to face.

Because if I didn’t, it would just retreat into the background and whisper in my ear:
“Sure, go ahead and rest — but don’t forget about the anxiety.”

Because maybe it would hit me in an unexpected moment. When I least expected it.

And that’s when the “what if” program kicked in.

Sounds familiar, right?

– What if I get so weak I can’t handle the next time?
– What if I faint?
– What if I have a heart attack?
– What if I die?

After all, that last one is behind every “what if.”

This was what my compulsive confrontation was about.

At least I could gain a little peace from it. I could reassure myself that I survived, that I was still capable, still in shape, etc.

That’s how I approached everything that posed a challenge at the time — especially those everyday situations where I had to share a space with many people.

Which was pretty much anywhere in the city.

Because what are these situations really about?
– Why was I so anxious, especially around people?

Sometimes it doesn’t hurt to ask the reasons — and keep asking until we can’t anymore.

– So?
– Well, uh… because… just.
– Just say it, Dani, for God’s sake!
– Because I was terrified of people.
– Okay. Why was I so terrified?
– Because I was afraid they’d notice. Really notice.
– And why is it bad if they notice?
– Because then they’d also notice if I wasn’t okay.
– And why is that bad?
– Well, who knows… maybe because they’d look at me weird, judge me, whatever.
– And who the hell cares?
– Well… I guess…

See? Your life is driven by compulsive people-pleasing — no matter how much you deny it.

Now that we’ve peeled back the top layers of the onion: Will you still have symptoms in the future…?

Of course you will.

Because the root cause of a belief lies much deeper than we think. And that’s the point here.

Not on the level of thoughts.

We may be able to see through the first few layers ourselves and draw some conclusions, but in a heavily traumatized state, that alone won’t make the symptoms disappear.

Sure, it’s a good starting point to examine ourselves from a few steps away. That way we can take the first few steps within our conscious awareness.

But real change doesn’t come from scratching the surface. You have to dive deep.

Because our conscious part is only the tip of the iceberg.

In fact…

Let’s suppose that the anxiety you so strongly identify with isn’t even yours.

Have you ever thought about that?

What if you’re carrying the unresolved energy of an ancestor somewhere deep down?