Solution

Expression Is Not the Solution

Back in 2017, I believed that by releasing my inner frenzy through painting, I could somehow dissolve my anxiety.

In truth, I had nothing to do with real inner work, and yet I was taking foundational steps along the path toward genuine change—steps that began to touch upon the limiting presence of certain rejected parts of myself.
And this confronted me with the fact that behind the denying, almost naïvely “spiritual” façade, there was in fact a creature raging with the pain of rejection.

At the time, I truly believed that I could somehow “create it out” of myself—
grasping and dissolving the root causes of both my anxiety and my depressive waves.

But creation, in reality, was only present as a self-explorative practice offering temporary relief, revealing certain deeper aspects of who I was.
I was still very far from truly understanding the driving forces behind my suffering.

Confrontation

Looking back, I now see that self-expression alone cannot lead to true healing.
Quite the opposite—new inner qualities, emerging through genuine healing, are what bring about unexpected shifts, both in expression and in everything else.

That is why it is said that if you want to change your circumstances, you must first change yourself.
From the inside out.

Many forms of self-expression or creative practice are rooted in woundedness.
The dynamic process of gesture or action painting, for instance, beautifully captures the overheated energy of rejected parts of the self.

There is something profoundly beautiful in this, as it can open channels that might otherwise remain suppressed, continuing to rage beneath the surface.
And yet, if we are willing to observe ourselves from a slight distance, it becomes an opportunity to establish an inner connection.

And why does any of this matter?

Because our beliefs are shaped by countless traumas, familial imprints, and ancient patterns, and the first step toward dissolving them is confrontation.
Certain practices that foster connection can serve precisely this purpose.

In essence, they can bring us face to face with our rejected parts.

Whether we intend to or not, we begin to ask ourselves: where could all of this be coming from with such natural ease… when others struggle, even with great effort, to express anything similar?

It is as if certain creators possess a kind of code—one that allows them to transform and release the layered energies of their inner world.
A stored, irreproducible code of unconscious patterns.

Everyone has access to it, yet only a few are able to use it.
Others must live through certain experiences, so that—through initiations of varying intensity—they may be guided onto a path.

A timeline where, through a series of trials, the possibility of unfolding reveals itself.
From that point on, it becomes a matter of willingness.

Roles

It is remarkably easy—almost imperceptibly so—to become stuck in the perceived benefits offered by certain limiting beliefs.
At times, we are not even aware of the true meaning and underlying intention of our actions and spoken words, a few layers beneath the surface.

Subconscious motivation often manifests as an attempt to extract from others the very resources we lack due to unresolved trauma.
(And of course, these are not things others can truly give us.)

Fundamental qualities such as love, attention, acceptance—and the list goes on.

At times, not even a life painted as hell itself can stand in the way of this longing, if the ego sustains us through the illusion of temporary gratification.

Many have “lived out” their lives embracing and identifying with self-destructive beliefs—beliefs that, let’s admit, have at times been presented as acceptable, even desirable, thanks to their packaging.
One only has to consider the lives of certain well-known artists.

It is as if substance abuse rooted in emotional wounding has come to be seen as an expressive byproduct of the artistic path—almost as though it grants a form of exemption from responsibility.

In the way destructive lifestyles become intertwined with creativity, it begins to resemble a romanticization of suffering.

Perhaps because certain mental states have long been framed as incurable within the collective consciousness, the focus has shifted from resolution to mere acceptance and identification.

This has profoundly shaped the collective image.

“So let’s make use of the benefits.”

These are the subconscious “roles” that romanticize suffering—rebellious patterns that quietly lead toward burnout.
This is what many become entangled in, often without even realizing it.

It remains unspoken, yet ever-present.

The problem is that these roles often stem from patterns whose perceived advantages pale in comparison to their potential consequences.

In a way, it seems as though the archetype of the self-destructive artist—one struggling with mental distress—has become an accepted notion within the collective consciousness.
Often, it is simply labeled as being a “sensitive soul.”

This is difficult to recognize, because these beliefs operate from deep beneath the surface, layered upon layers, shaping what we come to experience as our personal reality.

If anyone… I certainly loved loving my own suffering.
Even when I had no awareness of it.

Alright—if I’m honest, there are still deeper layers of it that remain unresolved to this day.
But there was a turning point somewhere around 2018.

Before that, it felt as though everything reflected back at me through my attraction to darkness.
The people around me, my thoughts about life—even the music I listened to and the films I watched… all seemed to mirror a hidden sense of beauty behind that darkness.

It was never explicit, yet it always felt as though this intangible atmosphere had been there all along.

This identity strategy, in turn, became a driving force behind my urge to express myself in some form.
That, too, was a kind of advantage.

Overflow

At a certain point, the deeper layers of inner work began to confront me with things I was not prepared for at all.
Perhaps no one ever truly could be.

Certain processes of cleansing stirred up so much unresolved residue that the intensity of the released energy quickly reached a point where everything that had once seemed appealing became repulsive.

Before that, the tap had only ever been opened just enough for me to find what flowed from it interesting—perhaps even beautiful.
I could not feel its true depth, as a kind of floodgate had kept it contained.

Then, in the autumn of 2018, immersed up to my neck in regression, I reached a point where I was faced with a decision.
Simply put: either you rise, or you collapse beneath it.

Alright, that may sound a little dramatic—but in that moment, it was exactly how I experienced it.

There is a stage of depression that comes with an almost physical kind of pain.
You feel no motivation to express anything at all; beyond lying down, there is hardly any motivation left for anything else.

I place the turning point somewhere in that period—the moment from which my suffering, and the roles that once romanticized it, lost all appeal.
I simply wanted to heal. Or to disappear.

The creative practices I had been engaging in could only take me so far.
They helped ease the pressure and revealed certain rejected aspects close to the surface, but ultimately, not even the most forceful brushstroke could “paint out” everything that lay beneath.

Of course it couldn’t…

And that is why I say: self-expression is not the solution.

So what is the solution?

This is not something that can be easily put into words—without lived experience, it may sound like little more than empty phrasing.
Reframing our beliefs takes time. A great deal of time.

So what is the solution?

To come to know, to confront, and to accept all that is reflected through what we perceive as our “personal reality.”
And then, at a certain point, to move beyond the seductive comfort of self-acceptance—and step into a willingness to change.

To dissolve the limiting beliefs rooted in ancient patterns, personal trauma, and inherited imprints.

This is not a matter of belief.
It is a process of coming to know the subconscious and the unconscious.

And expressing it in some form… is only the icing on the cake.